My Firstborn Son

Today my first son celebrated an important birthday, but I was not there.

Eighteen years ago I placed him for adoption; I was fifteen. It was the single hardest decision I ever made. When I signed my rights away, I did so through tears. I could barely make out the line to sign my name upon.

I spent every minute with him that I was able, the two days I was in the hospital. I rocked and sang to him. I told him why I couldn't keep him. I hoped he wouldn't hate me when he grew up.

I will never forget that day...cold, gray and wet. It was as if the universe was mourning with me. I kissed his sweet face goodbye and whispered "Mommy loves you" when he was just two days old. I still remember the way his head smelled...so sweet. Leaving the hospital took all my strength, like a giant magnet was pulling me back. I wonder if I passed his parents that day.

I've had many questions over the last eighteen years. I hope one day I get to ask them.

Is he like me at all? Is he artistic? Does he sing or play an instrument? Does he love to learn and read? Is he adventurous or cautious? Does he scare everyone who rides in the car with him?

What does he look like? Is he tall and thin like several of the men in my family? Or is he short like me? Does he have blond or brown hair? Green or brown eyes? Is he athletic? Does he like to run? Is he addicted to the PS3 like my 12 year old?

Is he addicted to Starbucks? I can't get enough of the Espresso Truffle this season.

Is he in love? Will he go to his senior prom with her? Or is he so focused on graduating and entering his favorite college that he isn't interested in girls? (Fat chance, right?!)

Did he have a safe and loving childhood? Did his parents love him and cherish him as they promised me? Did they give him all he needed and some of what he wanted? Is he emotionally healthy?

Most importantly...does he love the Lord? Has he given his heart to Jesus?

I pray one day I get to meet him and his parents. His mom was so sweet and kind to me. She had the most gentle voice...always asking if I was okay, did I need anything, how was I feeling. The following year, when I turned sixteen, I received pictures of him on my birthday. One of the photos was of him just a couple weeks old asleep in his infant seat next to the Christmas tree. I couldn't help but think what a wonderful Christmas they had that year all because of me.

God bless my sweet boy, wherever he is. Guide him in the decisions he'll be making in the next year. Keep him safe. I hope he's celebrating with those who love him dearly. Happy Birthday Justin!

Thank you Mark Schultz for writing the song Everything to Me for all of us birth mothers. You have captured our thoughts and prayers. This was truly inspired by God!

Note: I had to remove the You Tube video of the above mentioned song due to some obscene content when a friend tried to access the video. If you would like to view the video, look up Everything to Me by Mark Schultz on the web. It's a great song!

Great Green Giveaway!!

My favorite mommy blogger, Simple Mom, is hosting an awesome giveaway this week.

For those of you who are, or have become, environmentally aware you'll love this. Several companies are giving away reusable shopping bags. They all vary as to the type of material they are made of: recycled plastic bottles, canvas, and oilcloth.

Most are very stylish for that hip, green mom on the go. And some are quite practical for keeping with us everywhere we go. (Ever gotten to the check out only to realize you left your bags at home?) I have several times...Ugh!

Check out Simple Mom's giveaway here. Follow the instructions and you could be on your way to toting a chic, eco-friendly bag making you the envy of all your friends.

Have a great day and stay green!

Amazing Women

I discovered blogging for myself about nine months ago. I had read about blogging a few years before in an article by Ariana Huffington. I had no idea what it was but it sounded interesting. Fast forward to this year...while on a stamping forum I noticed lots of women had blogs. So, I began reading them voraciously. I'd stay up til 2 in the morning reading blogs. Pathetic, I know. I'm sure none of you do that! ;)

I stumbled upon a recommendation of one and loved it. Many of you bloggers have most likely heard of her especially this year as she's been in the news quite a bit: Heather Armstrong. I enjoy most of her posts. She has a very funny take on parenthood and marriage, well, life in general. She says what she thinks and, dare I say, what a lot of us are thinking even though we're afraid to admit it. We live vicariously through you, Heather. Understand, though I think she's hilarious, some of her posts can be offensive depending on your disposition so don't blame me if you don't like what you read.

Anyway, while talking to a friend at church, the subject of blogging came up and I found out she had one. I promptly went home to start my own and was shocked by how easy it was. Then I found out there are lots of moms I know who do this as well. I had been missing out!

Now, I've become obsessed with it. Maybe it's my voyeuristic nature, my curiosity-killed-the-cat side but I love to read about other women's lives, particularly moms. It's great to feel like someone gets you even when you've never met. Some make me cry, some make me laugh. Most inspire me greatly.

One in particular is Simple Mom. She is amazing! When I grow up, I wanna be like her. I've been using my blog as a diary of sorts but she is giving back to so many through her blog. She shares advice on so many topics that are important to us moms: home and money management (Tsh, my husband & I drank the Dave Ramsey koolaid too!), parenting, etc . She even decided to start a book club for 2009. (Check out the button to the right.) I hope I get to meet her in person one day. Tsh, keep dishing it!

Also, check out Blissfully Domestic. There are a host of blogs just waiting for you to read and comment; don't forget to comment. We like comments.

And to all you mommy bloggers...you are an inspiration!! I believe I'm becoming a better wife and mom because of you. Keep doing what you're doing and know you are a blessing.